Tales from Pop-up University

I am currently a graduate student at the University of Phoenix Online. I know, I know, why would I go to UoP Online when there are so many more appealing and real graduate programs out there. Well...I think about this question everyday. The reason I signed up for the program was an issue of instant gratification. I wanted to be back in school, I desperately want out of the retail and food service hell I'm in because I have a useless bachelors degree, and I wanted it now. It was the beginning of last October when I recieved a phone call from UoP. The enrollment counselor was nice, talked to me for an hour, and answered all of my annoyingly honest and probing questions. "Are you a real school? Are you accredited? If I study education with you, will I recieve a real teaching ceritificate from a real state? Will you help me find employment after school? Will you give me federal student loans?" There were many more questions than this, but she answered all of them in a yes. Before I signed my life away to them, I placed a couple of phone calls to friends and former professors. All of them said basically the same thing. Studying education is going to be the same almost anywhere, as long as it's accredited, who cares where your degree is from. Plus, since the classes are online, I could theoretically do them at anytime of the day or night and keep a full time job. Plus...student loan money, enough to buy a new computer and pay off some bills. The pro column was far outnumbering the con column. I signed up.

Before I started my classes I was excited. A graduate student. When I'm finished, I'll be a real teacher with job security, and most importantly, health insurance! As my classes began, the pro and con columns started to equalize.

My first major gripe about the school is the other students enrolled in it. UoP is designed for people who are starting second careers. I am only 25 and haven't had any career yet. The average age of the students in my classes is about 40. The average number of children these students have is 3. And the average number of homosexuals in each class of mine was one, me. This didn't come up at all until my second class, when a student brought up for discussion "what do we do if we have homosexual students in the classroom? (gasp!)" Well, I thought this was a silly question, but for these cavemen, it wasn't. After reading homophobic coment after homophobic comment, I had to say something. So I told them that as a homosexual student, I encountered such and such issues with bullies, and teachers should put a stop to bullying no matter what. Bullying is wrong!

I made no moral comment on homosexuality. I did not advocate for it. I merely offered up the wisdom I had to offer, and commented about bullies.

There was a deluge of comments about me after this. One woman chastised me for saying I am a homosexual. She said sexuality had no place in the classroom, and that I was going to hell. What the fuck? These people spend most of class discussion writing about their children and husbands and wives. They spend 80% of their time talking about their heterosexuality. I spend 1% of my time bringing up my homosexuality because it was relevant to a class discussion, and I get bombarded with homophobic diatribes that belong on Jerry Springer!

I politely told the class (almost all of which were southerners...getting it now?) that they all talked openly about their heterosexuality, and that I was not throwing my sexuality in their faces, and that I was keeping my comments professional and on topic whereas they were not.

Enter the bitch. Sheila. Sheila then informed me that it was different, that they could talk about being married and having children because those were not sins. She informed me that since I am sinning and going to hell, I need to keep that away from class discussion, and that I should probably not be allowed to become a teacher.

Even in the face of such blatant hatred, I maintained. Instead of becoming a flamingly angry queen, I filed harassment charges against Sheila and she was removed from class. Our professor told everyone (taking my side at last), and no one said anything to me again.

This is just the tip of the iceburg. This example is just about the lack of worldview and common sense these students have. Now let's talk about their writing. We are required to post every paper we write to the class so everyone can read them. Now, I have to admit that I have above average writing skills due to the fact that I studied English at a private university. But I mean, come one, we are in graduate school! The papers these people were turning in were riddled with grammatical and even spelling errors. They read like high school papers. Several students opened their papers by quoting the dictionary!!!! My jaw continually drops even now as I encounter such abysmal writing standards. This is GRADUATE SCHOOL, not community college. (no offense to community college students, it's just a level thing)

So, the students are braindead southern redneck fucks with the English grammar skills of chimpanzees. The education program itself is of no help to the students. You have to be completely self-motivated to study at UoP. The professors exist to moderate discussion boards and make sure things are turned in on time. I had to learn about writing a lesson plan from a textbook and websites I found on my own.

Here's the big kicker. I have to arrange my student teaching and all observations FOR MYSELF! Universities usually build relationships with public schools and arrange for their students to show up there to perform their various observations and student teaching. In this way, public schools can keep track of who is in their buildings when and why. It is a safety issue as much as anything else. Imagine then, just for a second, how schools react to me when I come into their offices and ask if I can come in and observe for a day. "Where do you go to school? Why aren't they calling us? Are you for real? No." It has been nearly impossible.

I have many other gripes. I will not share them all, as I have rambled on and vented enough for one day. The University of Phoeix exists for a noble enough reason-give middle aged uneducated people the chance to become educated and get better jobs. But it exists also as a business, taking our money and providing very few services. It infuriates me, and I am currently looking for a local university to transfer to (if that's even possible at this point.)

Rant ended.

Tom Cruise is SUCH a baby...

As per a new story on cnn.com today, Tom Cruise has threatened to stop publicizing his new film, Mission Impossible 3, unless the South Park rerun about scientology was pulled. I hate Tom Cruise. He is such a baby (and, baby sized at a mere 4' 9"). South Park is known for poking fun at religions. It pokes fun at ALL religions. Jesus Christ has a talk show in South Park, and fights with Satan and Santa Claus, Mormons are the only people to occupy heaven, and Kyle is a Jew. Tom Cruise either needs to learn to take a joke, or realize that his joke of religion isn't even a religion anyways. He's not only a baby, but a crazy psycho lunatic.

Might I put forth a theory about the actual reasons behind the pulling of this harmless South Park episode? One of the major subplots of the episode consists of Tom Cruise locking himself in Stan's closet, and Stan proclaiming "Tom Cruise won't come out of the closet!" Maybe this joke hit just a little too close to home. Perhaps, the engagement to Katie Holmes (whom my opinion of sinks ever lower and lower) is a sham to cover up his own homosexuality. Maybe, just maybe, this episode of South Park was a call to Cruise to deal with his sexuality and live a life of honest sexual freedom. Perhaps Tommy boy became scared when he heard Matt and Trey's welcoming message of peace, beckoning him out of the closet. Don't be scared, Tommy. You're gay, and that's ok! I'm gay too, maybe we could fuck? Don't worry about Katie, Tom. You haven't hurt her. She's used to dating fags, in case you haven't ever watched Dawson's Creek, she dated the Creek homo in season 2. And, I'm sure her pregnancy is a shameless scam as well. Come out of the closet, Tom. Don't get mad, get gay.

Wow, I hate Tom Cruise.

On a related Tom Cruise note, my students in Taiwan in 2002 told me that Tom Cruise came to Taipei to promote his then film "Minority Report". They were very excited and went to meet him at a press event, where he reportedly shunned them and refused to give any autographs. My students said he was not nice and "very very short, like an Asian."

So, gay, short, scientologist, and might I go so far as to suggest tiny penis?

Only time will tell.

Peons

As my first post, I would like to tell you a little bit about myself. Even though I got straight A's all through high school, was an All-State clarinetist, went to a prestigious private college, and did a year of AmeriCorps service, I am a 25 year-old peon. For the past two years or so, I have not been able to find a job, a real job, for the life of me. I have worked in retail and as a waiter at such prestigious jobs as Target, Chili's, Spaghetti Works, and Dillard's, where I was a perfume boy. I have made at least $2.13/hour (plus tips) and at most $9.00/hour. I have not had health insurance since my college graduation. I live from paycheck to paycheck, day to day, month to month. I know millions of Americans do this everyday, but sometimes (here is where you will see how I'm a little arrogant), i feel like the most highly educated peon on the face of the planet.

Have you ever had a manager, who was just a freakin' moron, who was uneducated completely, who was on a power trip from hell? An untrained monkey could do their job? And you are stuck as their lackey? Stuck as the object of their power trip? Stuck. I think this is my biggest pet peeve.

At least in college I was surrounded by intelligent, educated people. But out here, in the real world where I pay bills and work at any job I can find to do that, I am surrounded by mental invalids and borderline schizophrenics. It is seriously about enough to make me want to slit my wrists and buy a one-way ticket to Hell (unless I'm already there...).

Anyways, I think that may be enough of a jaunt into my current career situation. Next time: my online graduate school...what the fuck am I doing?